First Trimester

I kept quiet during my first trimester because A) I didn’t want to jinx things; and B) I was too tired to write anything most days. But now I’m feeling better and can somewhat remember most of my first trimester, so I thought I should document it in case I decide to have a second child and wanted to relive the memories. (Because, apparently, women forget the experience after having a child. I think it’s the mind’s way of tricking you procreating again.)

Five-Six Weeks
I find out I’m pregnant! OK, not planned, but nonetheless, happy news. We wanted a child, but weren’t being pro-active about it. So it’s a nice surprise. I panic for about 30 minutes about the sushi I ate a few weeks ago and the wine I had (the one time out of the year) I actually feel great — other than the sore breasts, but it’s nothing worse than PMS.

I go to my acupuncturist appointment and reveal the great news. He asks how I’m feeling. “Great!” I say. “I feel like I normally do!”

This pregnancy is going to be a piece of cake. I heard all those horror stories about morning sickness and fatigue. Well, obviously, having taken very good care of my body beforehand helps. And I just KNEW I wasn’t going to be one of those sickly pregnant women I always hear/read about. I KNEW IT. I’m so proud of myself.

Then I start getting the cramps. BAD cramps. Worse than period cramps. They come and go. I freak out several times and think I’m having a miscarriage, but when I go to the restroom and check — nothing.

I call the OB/GYN for my first appointment. My appointment isn’t until I’m 10 weeks. I’m a little surprised, but a friend tells me it’s because there’s no heartbeat until after 8 weeks. Somehow the pregnancy doesn’t seem official until I see the doctor and get confirmation even though I’ve taken three pregnancy tests. The nurse tells me that the cramping is normal. It’s the uterus expanding. If there’s any blood, call back.

I start to weed through the pile of pregnancy books my sister left me and start with “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Talk about making you feel guilty. “Eat well, exercise, sleep plenty.” Obviously written for women who don’t have real lives and have to work, and you know, if I want a freakin’ croissant, I’m going to have one, dammit! And the freakin’ book doesn’t even mention the cramping, which I think is important to know. I never knew that happened.

Food aversions have started. Chicken makes me ill. Lebanese and Indian food (except for kabobs) also makes me want to hurl. Just the thought makes my stomach churn even though I used to eat it all the time.

Seven-Eight Weeks
Uh, I’m not feeling so hot. Like this nausea? It sucks. There’s no warning. It’s so sudden. Sometimes it lasts all day. I’ll be at my computer at work and then BAM! I want to throw up, but I can’t, and I think how much better I’ll feel if I throw up.

I don’t think anyone will notice if I curl up under my desk in the fetal position for the rest of the afternoon, right? And this work I’m supposed to be doing… what the heck? I don’t know how to work anymore. I can’t focus and thinking is real hard. Oh man, the nausea…

2-3 PM hits and I want to curl up under my desk again to sleep. Oh sweet slumber… I’m so tired — where did this come from? I fake looking at my computer by propping my chin on my hand. This works a few times and I manage to catch shut-eye for a few precious minutes.

Did I mention the insatiable hunger? It’s sudden too. I have to eat or I’ll die. My stomach grumbles constantly like a monster. I hide dried fruit and granola bars in my bag for meetings. I panic when I have a two-hour meeting. How the f* am I suppose to eat? Sometimes I’m so hungry, but I have no appetite. Like I don’t know what food I want to eat. Nothing appeals to me. I have to pee now every 10 minutes it seems like… I have to make note of all restrooms close by.

I break the news to a few close friends. One of them actually tells me to watch my weight. Obviously, she has never been pregnant and I cannot wait until she is. Because I tell her, “You cannot reason with the insatiable hunger. The insatiable hunger rules your world.”

I have been craving old, home cooked foods such as dumplings, won ton soup, and hot and sour soup. I feel like the only thing I can eat is soup noodles, like pho, and veggies.

One friend sends me the “Pregnancy Countdown” book. I love it because it’s light (Did you know potato chips have folic acid? So it’s OK to indulge a little.) and they mention the cramping! The book is designed to just read one page per day and that’s entirely doable. It offers sage advice that doesn’t make me feel guilty (Don’t worry about working out — just get plenty of rest when you need it because you will never get this chance ever again.).

I have thrown up a handful of times — occasionally right after eating and ruining perfectly good meals. Sometimes it really does make me feel better. I count my lucky stars that I don’t have morning sickness all the time like some people.

I’m getting real tired of the pregnancy around now.

I tell my acupuncturist how I’m feeling: hungry, tired, gassy, forgetful. “So you’ve turned into an old man,” he says.

Nine-Twelve Weeks
I feel about the same into week 10, but finally get to see the OB who says that everything I’m feeling is normal and are good signs. We get our first sonogram and I’m surprised that the fetus already looks like a baby and moves! I thought it would look like a blob. I’m taken aback and start to cry uncontrollably during the session. I chalk it up to hormones.

At this point, I haven’t been to the gym for a couple of weeks and my pants are definitely tighter. The doctor said it’s bloating and the uterus expanding, but I start thinking it’s because I’m fat.

I finally tell my boss and he isn’t surprised. He saw me two days in a row with my humongous lunch bag and thought, “Eating for two.” We make a deal: if he can stop a work baby shower, I’ll put a stop to a retirement party for him next year.

At this point, the strange feelings in my stomach are a mystery to me. I can’t tell if it’s gas, hunger, overeating, heartburn, or what. I just always have discomfort.

Hunger, fatigue, hunger, nausea, fatigue — lasts for another couple of weeks until week 11. I get a little of my energy back and the nausea has subsided. Still got the hunger though. Week 12, I almost start crying over the hunger. It’s driving me crazy and overtaking my life. I panic when I don’t bring enough food to work. Is this any way to live?!