Six Week Postpartum Check Up

Even though I had a nine pound baby come out of me, the thought of going to my six week post-partum check up freaked me out. I had asked a friend about it and she said, “Oh yeah, it’s a full pelvic exam. It’s not pleasant.” Maybe it was the thought of having that area prodded and poked again that made it uneasy. Maybe it was the thought that it would be painful and I wouldn’t have pain killers. I don’t know exactly, but it freaked. Me. Out.

First the nurse took my weight and although I knew I hadn’t lost all the baby weight, it was still depressing to see how much more weight I needed to lose. As a person who has never dieted, this is a new concept to me and I’m really not sure how I’m going to go back to my pre-baby weight. In another one of my delusions, I thought all the weight would be gone by now. After all, freakin’ 10 pounds of it was the baby!

The nurse asked me my baby’s name, birth date, gender, and his weight. “Oh, nine pounds four ounces,” she said when I told her. “Did you have a c-section?” “NO,” I replied. “Ooooh, wow, you go girl,” she said. She asked if I was having intercourse and I said, “Hell no.” Then she asked about birth control and I said, “Yeah, having a baby.”

Then my doctor came to do the exam. It definitely was not pleasant. I wouldn’t say painful, but it was uncomfortable and not something I’d like to do again. I had a sick feeling in my stomach the whole time.

“Have you been doing your kegels?” my doctor asked asked. Yeah, whenever I remember, which is usually when I’m lying in bed. I’ll squeeze a few in. “You should do them when you’re breastfeeding… about 25 in a minute,” she said.

“Twenty-five?” I squeaked. I was lucky to get 10 in a day.

“Well, considering you pushed that big boy out, you’re recovering with flying colors!” my doctor said.

“I am?” I sure didn’t feel like it. I still felt like I had been pummeled in the abs.

I asked her if I could go back to exercising — although I had already been going to the gym for two weeks already, but I had been avoiding abdominal work. I have this intense fear that too much straining will lead to prolapse. “Yes,” she said. “But ease into it. Don’t do too much too soon. Weights with your arms are fine, but just take it slow.”

“You’re not having intercourse, are you?” she asked.

I laughed, “Oh no. Oh no no no.”

“OK, good because you still have some recovering. It’ll be awhile.”

“I KNOW. LIKE NEVER.”

“Well, we should discuss birth control options.”

“We don’t have to because I don’t plan on having sex ever again.”

Yeah, I know how to decrease teen pregnancy. Get those kids to sit in on a labor! That’ll put the fear in them for a loooooong time.