New Religion

Whenever I go over to my in-laws, there are more photos of Peyton tacked up in different parts of the house. Now there are so many that they’re not even in frames or taped up. Just placed around in various places: above the fireplace, the side table, the fridge,  and the bookshelf — which I call “the shrine.”

Yes, my in-laws have a new religion and its god is Peyton.

There Oughta Be a Law Against In-Laws

Yesterday, we went to see my in-laws. The first thing my mother-in-law asked me was if I was having twins. Now, she knows we aren’t having twins. Why ask me that question? Because that’s her way of pointing out how big I am. Because that’s funny? There are plenty of flaws about her that I could point out to her — the majority of which are permanent, starting with her personality. But I digress.

But she couldn’t stop there. She had to tell me that I better work out after the baby to lose the weight. (This coming from a woman who couldn’t handle holding my 3-month-old niece.) I told her that I was actually still working out. Then she had to say, “Do you really think that’s wise? Do you think you should be doing that right now?”

Now, there is a reason why I don’t live near any of my family. Because they drove me crazy. So, I really don’t need another set to do the same. It’s bad enough that my mom nags me on the phone, but to bear this woman’s nagging in my face… I am beginning to think that there should be something besides a “babymoon” for pregnant women. More like “in-lawmoon” or “leave-me-the-f-alone-moon.”

The pregnant woman’s new mantra: SERENITY NOW!

A Little Too Soon?

My mother-in-law has a habit of cornering me and giving me unsolicited advice about the baby. She likes to reference her one friend’s daughter-in-law who just had a child even though I have a sister with three children, a brother with two, and a large circle of friends with babies born within the past year.

For example, “So-and-so said this book is really good.” Uh-huh, sure, except it looks like it’s from 1970.

So, I think the advice I get from these people are a little more helpful than the one person she knows.

Yesterday, the baby had been sticking his foot in my right side again, so I was rubbing that area and trying to poke him back to place. My mother-in-law told me to “stop bothering him”! It’s my son, dammit, I can do what I want!

Then she asked me if we had purchased a crib yet. I said no, but I thought we might get one from Wal-Mart or Target. She told me that the one friend had a nice crib and she really liked it. I said, “That’s fine, but we’re different.” She said, “Maybe you should spent a little more on a crib.” I told her $200 or $500 didn’t make a difference as long as the crib passed safety standards. She said, “Well, aren’t you going to have a second child? Don’t you want one another one?”

The first one hasn’t even arrived yet and she’s talking about a second one?!

Precious Cargo

Since I’ve been pregnant, the mother-in-law treats me like an invalid.

We went over on Friday and were going down the basement stairs.

“Hold on the the handrail!!! Be careful!” she said.

Then we went out to dinner with my in-laws on Sunday. I got out of the car and she held my arm to “assist” me the 10 steps to the restaurant door. I opened the door to the restaurant for myself. She told me not to open it too “forcefully.” After dinner, we walked to the car and she told me to “watch my step.”

I want to tell her that I’m not frail like she is. What would she think about me going to my cardio kickboxing class?

She also pertains to my baby and stomach as “ours.”

I see problems ahead.